Whenever I’m not wearing a hat or scarf, I’m probably rubbing my head. The little hair I have is so soft it’s hard not to touch it. It’s almost to the point where I don’t need to wear something on my head, but you still can see some scalp. That’s the goal, when the scarfs can be put away, when there’s enough hair to not show baldness. Jason thinks it’s coming back darker. My Mom sent some baby photos to compare cause I was born with pretty dark brown hair (and over the years the lighter color is mainly sun kissed).

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There are days that I feel like I have a lot of hair. Then other days I’m discouraged how little hair I have. It’s a roller coaster of emotions. Last week was a tough one on my emotions. Just tired of cancer life, I wish I could go back to being normal. But I can’t ever really, there has to be a new normal with a 5 year oral drug to take and a every 6 month MRI. Which, compared to going to the cancer center everyday like now, will feel like forever a part. My life won’t be a “cancer free” life for a very long time. That thought just got to me, how much cancer has changed my life, came in without warning or a welcome. Since the beginning there has been a true sense of lament. How creation, including myself, groans for redemption. Those of us who believe in Jesus have some element of lament in our faith. This fallen world, with things like cancer, how can we not lament? How we long for all things to be redeemed? Not that there hasn’t been redeeming moments in this cancer journey, there certainly has. Is God good? He very much is. But that doesn’t mean new are happy all the time, and Jesus is okay with that. God is okay to sit with us, in our grief and frustration of living in an unfair, broken world.

Looking at that photo of me as an infant, who could of guessed 31 short years later that little baby would have cancer. That early in my marriage, cancer would rock it. How life would be put on hold to get treatment. Dreams would be shifted. Makes me so glad that our bodies won’t be going with us to heaven. How just our souls will go and be with Jesus. Our bodies, which we worry so much about, will remain here. Even the hair I so badly wished I had.

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Such a beautiful post. Love you, friend!

September 29, 2013 7:52 am

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