A month or so ago, my friend Hannah wrote some beautiful words that I keep rereading. They are in reflection of how far her family has come in Watt’s treatment of cancer. Ive often said how other’s words help me organize my thoughts and what my heart is feeling, these words by Hannah could of been my own:

“Life is mysterious and pain-filled and God works in ways that I cannot even begin to understand. All of this world is broken. He promises to make all things new but we only see glimmers of it now…and daily we live in the tension of knowing His promises and yet having to wait for their fulfillment. We often find ourselves busy and striving for an ever-elusive happiness when, in reality, most days we feel as if we are just scraping by with bleeding hearts and broken dreams. Our work feels futile more often than we want to admit, violence and war fill the headlines, and our babies get cancer. We feel we have to fight for hope, fight for peace, and fight for our very lives at times.”

(read the entire post at Clouds of Mercy

This time last year, I was very sad. At the time I don’t think I even really recognized thats what experiencing deep down. Looking back now, of course I was. It was hard because I felt like I had to keep my sadness a secret in a lot of ways. From my friends who were having babies who I was so happy for, and wanted to show that, but it was so very hard. Not just them but others close to me that didn’t get why it was a daily feeling of its-so-hard. Going to Jamaica I was in such fear of what holding orphan babies would do to my heart when I desired for one my own so much. We were no where near starting the process to adopt as I was still in treatment with Herceptin infusions. I was crying all of the time, living on the edge of tears most days. Some people don’t know what to do with my sadness. I get that what Im going through is not easy and most people don’t know what to say. I started to feel like I was too much, my emotions where too much. Thankfully, close friends entered into the hard and the messy with me. They didn’t say much, mostly words of “Im sorry. Of course it hurts. Love you and this sucks.” No trying to make me focus on the good. They entered into my hurt and pain and were just there to listen to me be sad over and over again. I can’t tell you how much that helped me through those dark days of sadness.

Tuesday I was in Charlotte at a Sandra McCracken and All Sons and Daughter worship night. All Sons and Daughter’s songs very much have the them of brokenness. And Sandra, who’s had a hard few years herself, was singing songs of Psalms. To hear my favorite singer song writer sing songs of hope, such a testimony to God’s goodness. Really shitty stuff happened and yet her voice was strong with hope with those promised words God has given to all of us in the Psalms. Sandra lead us in a song called “We Will Feast in the House of Zion” in which the chorus goes:

“We will feast in the house of Zion
we will sing with our hearts restored

He has done great thing
We will sing together

We will feast and weep no more.”

You can listen to it here: We Will Feast in the House of Zion 

Two close friends have daughters who are 5 months, two weeks a part. These friends let me old their sweet babies a lot. I don’t have the words to tell you how healing for me now to hold them. This time last year, holding babies was too hard for me. Last Sunday I was holding one of them during worship, singing a praise to God while hold this precious gift my friend waited years for. It was such a redeeming moment for me. That I could hold a baby and feel so hopeful instead of sad. I knew that joy had to be the work of Jesus, it made no sense otherwise. I still have days where the desire to be a parent and not knowing when that will happen is too much to bare. A lot of times I do not know when it will hit me, it surprises me most of the time when it does. There’s that famous quote “Be Kind. For everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” I remember hearing that for the first time when I was bald and going through chemo. It was very obvious I was fighting a battle. Now that the physical edvience is gone, its harder to tell. The comfort I have, in the words that remind me of God’s goodness are often in the mist of the harder words. Broken. Bleeding hearts. Restored. Weeping. I wish we all could stop pretending that the brokenness of this world doesn’t effect us. How could it not? God is good and we get to be a part of his redemptive work in the brokenness. Joy happens in dark and light days. There is good in the dark as much as in the light. The two go hand and hand for me these days. All of this to say, Im grateful for the truth of these two women’s words on both the dark and light days.

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