This time three weeks ago, I was walking my new boss around the building. Needing to sit down just from simply being tired but no big deal. It was a new side effect to me, being that tired, but something I still could handle. So today, I didnt see a problem going to work. I had been really good all weekend, didnt attempt to go anywhere, rested a lot. This morning I got up to get ready to work. The heavy rain made it hard to get up, but when does it? I got ready, feeling a little tired but nothing usual. As I was trying to figure out shoes I felt more tired. Since it was raining I needed to wear close toe shoes, but I didnt want to wear closed toe shoes because my toenail beds needed to breath so they didnt turn a dark red like my finger nails or get tender. This debate in my head took longer than normal. Walking to the door I found myself needing to sit down, so I did. I figured since I would just be sitting at work, I wouldnt be too worn out.

I got into my car, thinking a bagel sounded really good. I walked into the bagel shop feeling good, almost normal. As I was waiting for my turn to order, my face got a little tingly. Then the smiley girl behind the counter asked what she could get me. I heard myself saying “everything bagel with cream cheese toasted” but it felt like an outer body experience. I leaned back against the wall. She asked if I wanted anything else and I said no and slowly walked to the cash register. Thats when my vision started to feel like it did at the strawberry field . Like I had stood up too fast and I was starting to see black spots. The clerk asked what I had, I told him and handed him my credit card and promptly walked over a chair to sit. It was a blend of remembering moving myself there, to not remembering I hadn’t wait for the clerk to run my credit card. He kindly brought my credit card, receipt and bagel to the table and sat it in front of me. I wasnt aware of anyone around me, but Im sure he knew I wasnt myself.

I wasnt embarrassed, but I just wanted to get myself to my car to put my head down (that always seems to help, it becomes very bowling ball heavy), if this was just like the strawberry field situation. I wabbled to the car and turned on the air full blast. I took off my rain jacket and threw my scarf off my head. It wasnt that humid out, but I became very warm. Not hot but my skin was clammy. I sat there in the parking lot, bald with my eyes closed debating if I could drive myself home or not. After a good long while, I felt cool, no black spots and stable enough to drive myself home.
Drove home, frustrated. I should feel mostly back to normal by today! As long as I sit or lie down, I feel fine. But there is of course things to be done, both at home and at work. Its very hard to reside myself to the fact my body just isnt allowing myself to do those things. They always say to listen to your body post chemo. I should have when I needed to sit down on the way out the door. My body and brain have two different ideas of what today was to look like.

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