This March 8th you can’t tell from looking at me that I was diagnosed with cancer two years ago today. I’m so thankful for this fact. To look at my hair, (though it isn’t long to me) so many people comment how long it is. Their way of cheering me on in how far I have come from my days of treatment.

People who I don’t see regularly still ask with a knowing “How are you? Everything still clear?” These people who ask, are the same who prayed for me so I know their question is well intended. Some days though, that question makes me feel fear, that it might come back. It’s when I’m the most reminded that I did in fact have cancer. Otherwise I don’t live in fear of it returning. Even taking my daily medication, it’s just become part of my morning routine, not a thought towards it. 

I used to have angry conversations with my medication. That I was knowingly talking something that would make my body not have a viable pregnancy. You’d think I’d say wonderful things to that pill, that it was blocking what my body creates into cancer cells. Not once have I been happy to take that pill. At least now I don’t get mad while taking it. At the very most, I just get annoyed it’s chalky tasting. Deep down, parting through a sea of grief, I am thankful for tamoxifen and what future it does give me.

Two years out, my experience in the cancer world has made me a resource to many people who know friends who have been diagnosed with cancer or walking through it themselves. I’m happy to be that resource for others. To make good out of something that sucks, that’s redemption work right there.

Survivors guilt is something I don’t know truly how to process. Especially when a coworkers wife is taken far too soon due to cancer taking over her body. No one is thinking I should feel guilty for still being here while others are not because of cancer, but I do. I don’t even really have the words to share what this makes me feel because like I said, I haven’t really processed it to know. To say that God has me here for a reason, well that was true before cancer. Why do I receive medication that works and healing and others don’t? It’s the ultimate unfairness to me. And on this side of heaven, I don’t think I’ll know an answer that will comfort me in this guilt. I grasp at the mystery that is the promise that God is good and works all things according to His purpose. Still continue to learn how to hold sorrow and joy in the same hand.

Once again, thank you doesn’t feel like enough but thank you so much to our dear community of friends and family who still care for us. Who ask how we are doing. Who make sure comment on my hair. Who keep walking beside us.

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