Woke up Sunday morning feeling really good, (even at 6am is not my normal waking hour) put on a new spring dress to wear to church because the weather was amazing. I have to take my anti-nausea and steroids twice a day and since I feel fine when I’m not on them, it’s becoming very hard for me to make myself take them. I’m sure Jason is glad Mom is here for back up when I argue that I don’t need to take them. “I feel good! Why do I need to take them if I feel good?” Mom and I went to church and it was so good to see my friends, listen to their weeks. Felt weird being post chemo and feeling so good, I’m sure it looked like nothing had changed with me. Once Mom and I got home, had a light lunch we just did our own thing for a few hours. With the amazing weather that yesterday was, I wanted to take a walk so, the three of went out. It was so lovely to feel that good and to have what felt like normal energy. And then, the hour came.

I kept hearing day 3 after chemo would be the worst. I’m glad I didn’t sit around waiting for it, but man, last night for about an hour I went from feeling a little tired (maybe from the walk) to: what is happening to me? So I still don’t think it was a “bad day” yesterday but that hour was hardest so far both physically and emotionally. Not feeling prepared of the aftermath of the steroid. I was warned to feel tired or to feel nausea but thankfully, I haven’t felt that at all. The steroid, man, I just had no idea. Information really is power so I feel like if I had known what to expect I would of felt better about it happening (instead of not knowing what’s going on). I felt some pressure between straight between my breasts that was new. So we called the on-call doctor for the pressure and if what I was experiencing with steroids was normal. He confirmed that yes, what I was experiencing was normal which brought some relief. Jason went and got some over the counter drugs for the pressure, which to the best I can describe is like feeling everything move when I breathed or when one has acid reflect (but nothing actually coming up). It didnt hurt but it was not comfortable. Since taking that over the counter drug, I haven’t felt that pressure at all. I feel like I burp all of the time on the steroid but that’a not something that feels uncommon enough to be bad to me.
Emotionally, last night hit me so hard. “Is this what every time after chemo will feel like?” “I hear it gets worse as time goes on.” “I don’t know if I can take more than this.” And I just cried. Apologized to Jason (who of course didnt think I needed to be) for being so moody. For not being me. The release of the cry was really good. I don’t think I had cried for a few weeks so I might of just been due for a good one. And the mind over matter about taking drugs that make me feel bad I think is the hardest. I don’t feel like Im currently stomping out cancer. I feel like the drugs for the cancer are stomping me.

Saturday night I prayed myself to sleep. The word “beloved” kept coming to my mind. I told Jesus “if tomorrow is shitty, you have to show up.” God can take my cursing even if he’s doesn’t deserve it. Making demands isn’t usually how I relate to God but I woke up knowing he loved me. In the aftermath I do feel like I belong to him. I can’t tell you why but I do. I’m thankful that I have to feel like Jesus is here. I hope that peace stays as constant as its been.

Last night was another good night of sleep, woke up feeling good. Again, didn’t want to take the steroids but tonight will be my last round of those until day before my next chemo, which is two weeks from this Wednesday. So I’m grateful that I hopefully will have two good weeks, one bad week (or few days). But I also know this is the beginning. I could feel worse and worse like they say as chemo goes on. Originally my chemo was every other week, so I’m trying to look at the bright side. Tonight some friends will be over for drinks and Catan, which I’m looking forward to. I love that I have friends in my life that I feel completely comfortable being moody with and not have to put on a strong face for. Many of you are that to me, so thank you for being that to me. And checking in on me, means a lot! Do know if I haven’t responded it isn’t because I don’t want to or not grateful, I am. I forget sometimes who I have responded to, I do read every email, text, card, package, etc. Thank you for your prayers too, I certainly do feel them and very much need them.

Prayer requests:
-Aftermath of steroid to be gone when I wake in the morning
-These next two weeks feel normal
-I keep eating well, keep my strength up

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