Well, yesterday was probably the roughest day in this second round. But even Sunday being the roughest day, it was nothing compared to the bad days during the first round. Yesterday was more of a tease of a roller coaster of how I was feeling. I woke up feeling pretty okay (another long night of sleep), and of course instagram was covered in waffles and pancakes so out to Mimi’s we went to indulge in this craving. I promptly ate too much and didnt feel super great so Jason took me home and went to Target to get a few things we needed (the plan was for me to go with him for a little outing). Then after a little bit later I felt good again, but then I felt super emotional about my hair. Up and down all day, ether I felt bad physically but good emotionally or vice versa. Thats what was hard, thinking its going to be a good day and it turns out to be the worst post-treatment day yet.

Today has been pretty good overall, just doing small things around the house. Im on my third load of laundry even, with lots of breaks in between. Emotionally its been a rough one because, yep, my hair. As much as we were told I was going to loose my hair, you really just cant compare yourself emotionally for loosing it. I know before all this happened I liked my hair some, its such a pretty color, but didnt think it was such a security blanket to me. Or what makes me feel feminine but Im realizing as Im loosing it more and more how much it is. I notice everyone’s hair now watching TV or talking to friends who visit. I try to keep positive because theres a high chance my thin, straight hair will come back thick and wavy. Im down for fuller, wavy hair for the rest of my life, heck Ive even wanted that type of hair before this. Even with dreaming of chemo curl by Christmas time, it doesnt make the decision of shaving it off any easier. I kept hearing women shaved it because it was easier emotionally than to watch it fall out or to not deal with the mess. I get both of those completely now. The mess is what is getting to me the most, more than pulling it out. I think at this point if a lot of hair didnt come out it would be weird (which is a weird thought). These past few days Ive been processing my emotions with close friends and Jason, to help get me to a good place emotionally to actually shave my head. I dont think Im ever going to get to a place where Im ‘ready’ to pull the trigger and shave it, even with all the talking and support.

Jason reminded me of when I meet his former boss’ wife, who when I meet when she was sporting a bald head (no hat or scarf) and because she had breast cancer. I remember thinking how brave she was, strong even. Jason said “Thats what people are going to think about you. When I see people who dont have hair, I know they are going through a lot of shit.” This reminder helps. And you know, I didnt think again about her bald head that evening I spent with her. I know my friends, coworkers, and family will not think about my bald head nearly as much as I will. They will hurt with me of course but they wont be staring at me, it will be something they get used to and it will just be what I look like for a while. Still, even saying these things doesnt make this process any easier of when to shave my head. Loosing my hair is a battle wound, as much as I dont like the words “battle” or “fighting” because I dont feel like thats what Im doing, this makes sense. Small part of me doesnt even really still believe this is happening to me, and loosing my hair will seal the fact that in fact, I do have cancer and this is part of the process. But thats the other part of it, physically I dont really look different, I dont look sick. Loosing my hair will make me look sick, everyone will know. Im glad for friends who remind me through this process that I am still me with or without hair. A husband who tells me he loves me and thinks Im beautiful no matter how much hair I have. Again, the amazing community I have gives me hope and reminds me of truth that is hard for me to believe in hard times like these.

Oh! Hair photo update:
Photo Apr 29, 1 54 37 PM
So as you can see, from the front my hair doesnt look all that different. To me I can tell its lost it style and its pretty lifeless. On top though, that is bald right there.
Photo Apr 29, 1 55 20 PM
Three days its gone from the top to the bottom. Im still pulling out a ton of hair everyday, I didnt ever think I had this much hair.

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